Who We Are
South Harmon is filled with people who have the desire to better themselves, and we got that by the shitload at South Harmon. We will never stop learning, never stop growing, and we will never forger the ideas that were instilled in us, at our place because we are SHITheads now and SHITheads forever and nothing you can do can take that away from us.
S.H.I.T. was founded by its current president Bartleby “B” Gaines and his high school friends, Hands Holloway and Sherman Schrader. Other founding members include Rory Thayer and Glen. With the exception of Schrader, these 2006 high school graduates were rejected from every college to which they applied. Gaines was inspired by his Harmon College rejection letter to create his own school. He and the other founders renovated an abandoned mental institution nearby Harmon College. Schrader was even tasked with creating a “legitimate”-looking website for the school. The founders had not expected that their “thrown together” school would be noticed; however, the motto listed on the site (“Acceptance is just one click away”) had been taken seriously by over 300 students, whom also had been rejected from ever single school that they applied for. The students, thinking that they could make a better start for themselves, and to make their parents proud of them, applied and were accepted by Schrader’s functional website. Therefore, the school officially opened in the fall of 2006 with approximately 300 undergraduate students. Unfortunately, the founders did not go through the proper channels to achieve accreditation and legitimacy, which created problems during its first semester of existence.
Our One-Year Probationary Period
S.H.I.T.’s illegitimacy was made public by Dean Richard Van Horne of Harmon College. Dean Van Horne became aware of S.H.I.T.’s existence while he was securing properties surrounding Harmon College for demolition to make room for an addition to the Harmon campus: a large landscaped gateway designed to, in his words, “Keep knowledge in and ignorance out.” On October 27, 2006, Bartleby Gaines, Ben Lewis (S.H.I.T. Dean), and the student body pled their case before the Ohio State Board of Education for accreditation of S.H.I.T. Gaines showed the board that S.H.I.T. allows students to be what they want, whether that be a poet or an artist or anything else they can think of. His speech, causing those in attendance to rise to their feet in applause and cheers, also moved the board, which granted S.H.I.T. a one-year probationary period of accreditation.
Philosophy here at South Harmon
Look, we throw a lot of fancy words in front of these kids in order to attract them to going to school in the belief that they’re gonna have a better life, and we know that all were doing is breeding a whole new generation of buyers and sellers, BUYERS AND SELLERS! Pimps and whores, PIMPS AND WHORES! and indoctrinating them into a life long hell of debt and indecision! Do I have to spoon feed it to ya? Look, there’s only one reason that kids want to go to school, to get a good job, with a great starting salary. At South Harmon Institute of Technology, our faculty and staff are dedicated to give students an advantage in the workforce through a system of Business and English blended with studies of the arts, Music and Foreign Studies. It is guided by its tradition of the study of Art and Music and friendly vibes on campus.
Areas of Study
S.H.I.T. offers fully personalized study programs to its students by asking them “What do you want to learn?” Based on the students’ inner reflection, they develop their own classes and study plans and write them on a LARGE white board.
Glen came to S.H.I.T. after receiving a score of 0 on the SAT and being fired from his job at the “Qwick and Stop” for trying to create a shrimp slushie (he was both hungry and thirsty). At S.H.I.T., he explored new and innovative combinations of flavors of food, (his first creation was GlenWads, said to “contain every delicious flavor in every single bite.”) and eventually incorporated classic techniques into his repertoire.
During summer camp when he was young, Hans Holloway carved an award-winning wood sculpture but was soon discovered for his athletic talent and was never able to pursue sculpting and woodcarving. He chose this as his area of study at S.H.I.T.; and a division of the school, the “Hands Holloway School of Art” is named after him.
A former member of the United States military who attended S.H.I.T. brought his love of rock-and-roll and classic rock music to the school and teaches numerous classes on “the music and lyrical angst of a lost generation, and we rock our faces off.”
Engineering and Physics
S.H.I.T. has a skateboarding half-pipe, built by two of its students, Dwayne and Wayne. Presumably, they have also pursued other engineering projects around the campus. When the meeting for accredidation had come around, they both had helped B. by telling them that
This area of study is headed by Rory Thayer, who noted that since first grade, her entire life has been scheduled. At S.H.I.T., she studies meditation techniques and other methods of relaxation. Abernathy Darwin Dunlap (A.D.D.) also followed this course of study. attention deficit disorder, with her new found friend “A.D.D”,caused him to be unable to sit still or pay attention to anything for more than a few seconds. When he arrived at S.H.I.T., he expressed a desire to “slow things down.” When he had started meditating with Rory, the only thing that could keep him from running again was a straightjacket that they found somewhere in the old mental hospital. He joined Rory in her meditation sessions and was eventually able to discipline his mind and body to relax without the use of physical restraints.
A former exotic dancer, Kiki arrives and states that she wants to learn “something having to do with clothes…putting them on, taking them off. Im really good at that part, y’wanna see?” She is assigned by President Gaines to design the S.H.I.T. line of college attire.
Rise and Fall of Chevy Chase
This is what B. and his apparent “friend” talk about on the way to see him dorm room. Apparently a very popular class, because President “B” says that there is a waiting list for this course.
One of the more eccentric students arrives at S.H.I.T. with the desire to “learn to blow shit up with mind.”
Tuition at S.H.I.T. is $10,000 per semester, or $20,000 per year.
Rory Thayer Meditation Garden
This area of the college is used for meditation for those involved in learning about nothing and cease their scheduled lives. Rory herself leads meditation sessions in this garden, as well as nature walks. Glen, head of the Culinary Arts department, provides snacks for nature walks.
Hands Holloway School of Art
Built after the school’s founding in 2006, the Hands Holloway School of Art can be presumed to house a very popular area of study (Visual Arts) because of its size as compared to other areas of the campus shown on screen. Outside the main entrance to the building is a large wooden African fertility sculpture, modeled after the first item carved by Hands during his studies at S.H.I.T and was also made by Columbus Shorts Character S.H.I.T Heads forever.